Bad Salad’s Favourite Women – Part 1:

So today is about women, yeah? WRONG. Everyday is about women! We make up over half of the population and deserve maybe, I don’t know… A year? Or just all the time that men get, perhaps? We should probably think about sexual violence and forced marriages for a lot more than a day or a week because those seem like important issues. And are we the only ones who think it is odd that on Radio 4 there is still a programme called ‘Woman’s Hour’ as if the rest of Radio 4 has been reserved for tits, wounds and car explosions? Anyway, if nothing else, today can be an excuse to talk about the women we like who did good things. Here is Part 1 of Bad Salad’s favourite women:

Emina Sabic:

Patti Smith

(image: thelineofbestfit.com)

I love a strong woman. A woman who doesn’t take crap from anybody, a woman who is determined, passionate and full of character. A woman who looks just as good in skinny jeans at the age of 66 as she did when she was 20. I love Patti Smith, the undisputed queen of punk. Her writing, her music, her political stance and her integrity knock my socks off. With consistent fearlessness, she merges poetry and rock n roll into an indestructible partnership of beauty and grit.

These are the reasons why she continues to stand as a magnificent source of inspiration to me and thousands of others across the globe. So enjoy this very important International Women’s Day in the spirit of Patti, and get out there and contribute something fantastic to the world!

Create! Conquer! (Image: rebelfrequencies.net)

Lydia Snodin:

Geordie Shore‘s Charlotte Crosby

I do not watch MTV’s Geordie Shore ironically. Why would I spend time doing something that I don’t actually enjoy? Doing stuff ‘ironically’ is stupid. I either like things or I don’t. The life these guys lead could not be more different from the one I have. I don’t like clubs. I don’t like drinking. And I don’t like cock. But I LOVE Geordie Shore and Charlotte is my favourite. I tried to write something about why I loved it for Bad Salad but I honestly adore it too much to put into words. 

(image: newsrt.co.uk)

Charlotte Crosby is like Karl Pilkington in the sense that she has great comic timing, is naturally very funny and is essentially good natured. The key difference is that all the stuff she says is about pissing the bed or getting cum in her eye. I’m not exaggerating for comic effect when I tell you that I want her to be happy more than I want me to be happy. If we were in a hot air balloon and one of us had to get out in order for the other one to survive, I honestly think she has more to offer the world. She’s about a billion times better than a Radio 4 Woman’s Hour special on the gender pay gap; that sucks balls. Let me demonstrate. She has said this:

(image: jiakkantang.com)

This:

(image: jiakkantang.com)

And finally, the now classic phrase that has been absorbed into the English language like so many Shakespearean idioms:

That’s all. Happy International Women’s Day! Get some cum in your eye to celebrate! Only joking, a woman’s right to choose whether or not she has cum in her eyes was of course legally guaranteed in 1965; we owe our clear vision to those noble women. Ha. Bet you won’t hear THAT on Radio 4! Goodbye!

The Valentine’s Day Massacre

By Emina Sabic

Congratulations, you managed to get through the Christmas season and the dreariness that is January without stabbing yourself in the eye! Well done. The days are starting to get slightly longer and now you can draw a sigh of relief and count down the hours ‘til spring. Right? Wrong, my friends. First you need to navigate your way through this one special day in February that fills every sane human being with dread: Valentine’s Day. A day for lovers according to the gushing teenage girls on my bus but everywhere I look I see panicky people with wild, crazy eyes. Remember that scene in Mean Girls where everyone’s just like the animals around the watering hole? Except in this case the watering hole is the M&S flowers section and the animals are middle aged suit wearing men.

Roses are red, violets are blue, insult my music taste and I will cut you (Image: wikipedia.org)

What really gets me is all the hysteria. Come mid-February most normal people are turning into mentalists, nostrils flaring at anything pink, red or fluffy that crosses their path. Why should there only be one day of the year devoted to showing someone how much you love them? It all screams of clichés and a hopelessly childish need for attention and validation. Kind of like those couples we all have as Facebook friends who insist on updating their statuses gushing about their “other half” (don’t even get me started on that term) and writing puke provoking sweet nothings on each other’s walls. Surely you have a mobile phone for that? Private messaging? Or, I dunno, just TALK TO EACH OTHER. More often than not, it seems that those who flaunt it the most are the ones who are most insecure about their relationship, as they inevitably break up two weeks later (and then we have all those passive-aggressive facebook statuses to look forward to). Or perhaps they just like the attention? Don’t get me wrong, a few pictures and sweet words are lovely but it’s called a private life for a reason.

I said pink roses, bitch! (Image: myspace.com)

Also, come February 14^th, why is it suddenly all about underwear? Please put on an overpriced, unflattering piece of polyester that will make you feel about as comfortable as the Pope at Pride. Hurrah! Break out the pink champagne to match the £50 you just spent on underwear that will never be worn again! In my experience sexiness as well as romance are things that are quite personal and unique to each person, so why Valentine’s Day marketing is all about underwear and cheap roses is beyond my grasp. Not to mention that all the cards and adverts you see seem to indicate that only heterosexual couples should do the whole romance-and-shag thing – the values that accompany this mother of all non-holidays are quite frankly a bit tedious and alienate a large part of the population. But hey, as long as you get a card with an over the top message all is well, non?

We hear Glen Coco is skilled in the art of lurve. (Image: hellogiggles.com)

The amount of women I saw this morning on my commute wearing Valentine’s Day inspired outfits such as tights with love hearts and variations of red garments would astonish you, no jokes. These V-day fanatics smugly trying to catch the eye of anyone deeply immersed in their book, Metro or morning game of Wordfeud, do their notions of romance really culminate once a year on a gloomy day in February? Or is it the opposite, as a friend believes, that the 14^th of February is actually a day for the otherwise non-romantics to exhibit their romance bone? I am inclined to believe the latter.

My eyes! My eyes! (Image: flickr.com)

So I suppose what I’m really trying to convey here is that we should all stay away from the pink fluffy madness this day represents. There should not only be one day of the year where we show our appreciation towards that very special someone in our life. Bring them a coffee and some tulips on a Sunday morning, make a playlist with songs you think they would appreciate or take them out to dinner in the middle of the week. Spontaneity is the most romantic gesture of all, and let’s face it, there is nothing spontaneous about Valentine’s Day at all.

Thursday I’m in Love: Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow?

by Emina Sabic

It really is no secret that yours truly is a big fan of beards. Not to mention haircuts, experimental hair colouring and badass brave hair changes of any kind. With Movember and all its charitable glory coming to an inevitable end, the topic of hair has been even more on my mind lately. Well done to all you wonderful chaps out there who ditched the razor for a month in order to support such a fantastic cause! Might I suggest that you ditch the razors altogether and embrace the wild, rugged sexiness that a beard brings you? I am not talking about the up-their-own-arse pretentious pricks you see hanging around Hackney spewing self-righteous bullshit to anyone who is unfortunate enough to be in their vicinity. I mean those of you who scratch your beard while reading a book on the tube in the morning, those of you who can carry on a decent conversation with a lass and actually being interested in what she has to say, you know, the good ones. The only thing that can make a good man better is a great beard. Yes, you may quote me on that. So while I applaud your efforts for charity, I maintain my notion that you maintain your beard! On that note, here are my favourite good guys who should just stick with the facial hair ’cause it sure does them a great many favours:

5. Paul Rudd

Oh, Paul Rudd. Ever since you played Josh in “Clueless” has my heart had a little soft spot for you. Those lovely eyes. That excellent wit. You rank very highly on the bone-o-meter, but with that beard it goes right off the charts. I could not put it better than Bad Salad’s very own Ciara Burke: “I would genuinely destroy that man”.

What a face.
(Image: goodlookingmoustaches.tumblr.com)

4. Josh Radnor

“Haaaaaaaave you met Ted?” No, but I have been compared to him. Apparently we are both hopeless romantics according to certain peeps, and although I strongly try to deny it there may be an ounce of truth in there. Possibly. Ahem. Where were we? Television’s favourite sitcom good guy who will make you eggs benedict then steal some brightly coloured instruments in your name. Add a beard and you got yourself one salty guy.

If I were but a glove upon that hand….
(Image: ugo.com)

3. Bret McKenzie

Jemaine does rock the 70s style sideburns but Bret’s got it going on. Apart from his collection of absolutely amazing jumpers and t-shirts, he also plays the guitar. We all know what an advantage being dextrous is. An evening in his company and it would definitely be business time.

That’s what I’m into.
(Image: tumblr.com)

2. Peter Sarsgaard

That silky voice sets a girl’s heart a-flutter. ‘Nuff said.

Haaaawt.
(Image: starpulse.com)

1. Joshua Jackson

Anyone who knows me is aware of who tops every one of my lists – the incomparable Joshua Jackson. Pacey Witter set the standard for all other men, and the best part is that it is not an impossible one. He was kind, selfless, funny and ONLY MASSIVE. All that plus beard = pants off in two seconds straight. Damn that Diane Kruger for snatching up this fresh piece of Canadian bacon.

The king of everything awesome. (Image:tumblr.com)

Top 5 Things To Do on A Stormy Evening

by Emina Sabic

Winter is coming. It’s cold and bleak, but it is definitely a favourite season of mine. Granted, I am not a big fan of extremely cold weather – but when you’ve grown up in a country where your nose hair freezes as you step outside to wait for the school bus in the pitch black at 7am in the morning at -20 degrees, you find yourself getting used to the chilly. Plus I love the whole knitted sweaters, woolly scarves and hats look that we can fully embrace as soon as the first leaves start to change colour. However, nobody wants to be standing at a bus stop freezing their nads off too often, especially if there’s a storm raging – and occasionally (you’re guilty of it too) you just sack off the whole day and sit inside with the heating on, cackling at not having to do anything. So here are some lovely suggestions to ponder in order to ensure you don’t leave the comfort of your warm, cosy home too often during the winter months.

5. Learn how to knit

START THE KNITTED DIET. You’ll lose pounds in hours!
image: smashingmagazine

I’m being serious here. It’s all the rage with the hip kids (I did some research around the Hackney area). Arm yourself with some knitting needles, yarn, a Youtube tutorial and get crackalackin’ on a shit lumpy scarf. So come Christmas time all you creative skint folk can give away hand made, unique (slightly crap) presents to friends and family! Everyone wins.

4. Re-watch every single episode of Frasier

Frasier has left the building. But you haven’t. You lazy fuck.
image: blogspot.com

Oh, that Frasier Crane. MD. Ph.D. S.T.U.D. Our favourite radio shrink has been off the air for quite some time but TV gold like this ages well, such as fellow 90s gems The Nanny or Buffy the Vampire Slayer. It’s a well-known statistic that 99% of TV channels play at least eight hours of Frasier a day. Do yourself a favour and skip going out for another boozy, freezing evening and rack up some frequent Frasier miles instead!

3. Turn your body into a TEMPLE OF DOOM

Don’t leave it on too long, or you’ll turn into the kind of person who laughs hysterically with avocados.
image: drgranny.com

When the weather outside is frightful, it’s perfect acceptable to drink buttloads of tea out of pretty mugs, smear on a facemask from Boots and paint your nails Tropical Mauve. Most likely accompanied by devouring of biscuits and some very serious discussions about the important things in life such as politics, current affairs and which of your friends you’d fuck. Gather up some friends and get spa-ing!

2. Re-read your favourite books

Is this hunky book-man hunky, or just weird?
image: blogspot.com

Is there anything better than having a hot water bottle on your feet, a purring cat in the vicinity and your favourite book ready to be experienced all over again? I think not. There is just something ever so comforting in the familiarity of the characters that makes you want to raid the bookshelves time and time again. Recently I have re-enjoyed literary jewels such as Donna Tartt’s “The Secret History”, F. Scott Fitzgerald’s “The Great Gatsby” and the last two Harry Potters. The second best solitary activity I could possibly think of.

1. Cuddle something other than your cat.

image: plushbeds.com

If at all possible, try to recruit someone to spend your evenings with – a boyfriend or girlfriend will do if you can’t find a professional – as the evenings grow colder and darker. Nothing like spending a night in on the sofa with an attractive person, drinking some wine and staring stupidly into a roaring fire. OK, scratch the last bit. But still, it is nice to have someone other than a cat or a hot water bottle to keep you warm.

SPECIAL MENTION: Turn off the lights, light a wax-dripping candle, adopt a Vincent-Price face and recite Edgar Allan Poe’s “The Raven” at the top of your voice for the entertainment of housemates/family/friends or just your own bad self. You utter legend you.

image: wordpress.com

Thursday I’m in Love: The Politics of Dating

by Emina Sabic

In the past few weeks election frenzy has seemingly taken over the world and the Twitterati have been vocal to the point of obnoxious about the American presidential election. Many a night have I myself woken up with a cold sweat dreading the possibility that a gay bashing, climate change denying, gun toting Mormon had been made the leader of the land of dreams. However, we needn’t fear as thankfully we can say hello to four more years of a man who hangs with Beyoncé, stands up for equality and is married to a very cool, smart, strong woman.

Four more years!
(Image: obeygiant.com)

Politics has been on my mind for other reasons lately as well. More precisely, the politics of dating. Having been single for almost exactly a year, after the initial few months of darkness, heartache, Morrissey on repeat and no eating, I tentatively made my way into the world of dating. Happily, a few of my friends were on the same journey which meant that we could sit around drinking cups of tea the size of our heads and discuss all these strange goings-on between people who in the near future hope to be elected boyfriend or girlfriend.

While navigating your way through the jungle that is the interviews (first initial chats), the debates (the actual dates) and the press conferences (the run-through afterwards with your friends) I suppose it all comes down to the issues that are most important to each individual. For instance, one of my pals went on a first date to the local pub with a girl he found immensely attractive and was eager to get to know better. They discussed all kinds of things over their pints of ale and everything seemed to be going swimmingly, until she mentioned her love for and involvement with David Cameron. Not personal of course, strictly political. He later told me that all he could see from that moment on was her in charge of a pack of crazed bloodhounds, and I don’t mean in the illegal fox hunt kind of way but more in the manner of a Conservative party local branch. He ran for the hills.

She’s wearing red, he’s wearing blue. Political disaster waiting to happen?!
(Image: guardian.co.uk)

Now of course people from different sides of the political spectrum can date, fall in love et cetera but judging from most of the people I’ve spoken to lately it can definitely be a deal breaker. Much in the way that somebody who seems perfect on paper can turn out to be a lying weasel who upon getting elected (read: laid) forgets the warmth of the words used in their campaign and goes about spreading emotional fuckwittery undisturbed. An acquaintance spent a pretty amazing day and night with someone who seemed to fit the bill ideologically, politically, musically and physically. Showered with words such as “I’ve always been a sensitive soul” as well as hand holding, passionate kissing and apparently some rad bedroom action only to be rebuffed after a couple of days radio silence with the excuse that while they’d had a lovely time he was actually already sort of dating someone else. Indeed, it seems that the old cliché telling-girls-what-they-want-to-hear-in-order-to-get-laid is still on the agenda, alive and well, thriving across the political divide.

Mark and Bridget frolicked in the parks of London despite him being a toff and her not. (Image: fanpix.net)

So why do we do it? Why do we read the interviews, follow the debates and stay up all night holding election parties? In the cold, harsh light of the morning after the night before when you’re frantically looking for your tights or praying that you won’t bump into the candidate’s housemates on your way to the loo with mad scientist hair, what is it all about? My little theory is that we do it because dating, much like politics, is interesting, important and fun when done right. We vote in order to feel better about the prospects of our future, and we go on dates because of those very same reasons. Once the votes have been counted and the choice has been made, all we can do is hope that we made the right decision. If not, there’s plenty more politicians in the sea.